Due to last year’s unsuccessful push to eliminate gun violence, congress successfully pushed a bill into law banning the use of T-shirt cannons.

“It’s only disappointing that we didn’t do this sooner.” Jerry Biggagove stated. “Almost every sporting event I’ve been to over the past few years has not only endorsed this, but have gone so far as to glamorize it by putting a spotlight on the gunman and playing fun music. We can’t just not take our kids there, because they have no other way of getting into sports themselves, and then we have an obesity problem on our hands. There’s no question, banning these weapons is the most important social issue on the plate right now.”

The ban puts T-shirt cannon operators out of jobs, which worries some Americans. “We’re going to have a bunch of people that already have access to T-shirt cannons roaming the streets!” an anonymous baseball fan told our crew. “Their skills aren’t very marketable, and now they’ll be at an employment dead-end and desperate for money. I don’t want myself or one of my friends to have to look down the barrel of a t-shirt cannon and have to give in to their demands.”

It is currently unknown where these gunmen are, or how many T-shirts they may have, but they are no longer terrorizing the people that show up to a stadium and just want to watch sports. Reporting any suspicious clear tubes or stockpiles of T-shirts to your local authorities is recommended.

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